Vampires

"I want to be a danger. I want to be adored. I want to walk around at night while being ignored."

Editor’s note, and a preamble: For a long time I considered not sending this particular note out into the world. It’s considerably more negative than what I usually write, and I got really caught up in how people may or may not perceive me upon reading it. What I have written is a true and honest, though not comprehensive, look at one of my biggest fears and struggles in life. Last night, I bought four bunches of fresh flowers and arranged them into bouquets. This morning their fragrance filled my apartment, and I was struck that despite how all encompassing negativity can feel, beauty and joy remain. Life happens in the in-between.

That being said: This essay contains references to sexual violence and coercion. There is help, there is hope, and you are not alone. National Sexual Assault Survivors Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Friends:

Recently, I’ve been dreaming about bats.

I look up to see them, darkening the expanse overhead, like migrating geese, soaring across the sky. Sometimes I see them hang, from trees and window sills, upside down and at rest, and I am unafraid.

It’s late October. Bats aren’t usually one of the recurring elements of my dreams, so maybe their appearance could be written off as my subconscious decorating for the season. But what isn’t a coincidence is that around this time, every year, I start thinking about vampires.

I was never a fan of the “Twilight” series, but I’ve known the elements of traditional vampire lore nearly all my life, without memory of learning or seeking it out. I know they are seductive and pale; they feed on human blood. They practice mind control and are strong. They can scale any surface, turn into bats. But they can’t face the sun, garlic, silver and religious items, or enter a place without being welcomed in.

I’ve always known this, perhaps just through cultural transference. I do remember, however, learning of a different kind of vampire in high school literature class. Vampiric characters in fiction are said to be the ones who have the sexual allure and predatory behavior as traditional vampires, minus the fangs and cloak. These have always been much scarier to me.

I read the original “Dracula” for the first time last year, and I found myself genuinely afraid. 

The novel is told in a series of letters and diary entries, and the character Mina Harker describes in detail the torment running through her when she finds herself being controlled physically and mentally by Dracula. She could feel her body and mind being invaded, but she had no agency in it or control over it. 

I wasn’t afraid of a bat transforming into a man to drain me of my blood, but I knew all too well the horror of feeling out of control of your body, knowing your thoughts and your actions were being manipulated at will by another, for their own purposes. I also knew the sense of absolute devastation of realizing you’re powerless to it.

I used to have a veil separating – protecting – me from strangers. From unwanted touch. From danger. Looking back now, it feels naive. 

At 22, I walked through the trendy neighborhood of Seattle, talking with my friends, until a man I didn’t know cut through our group and grabbed my chin and held onto it while he whispered, “You are so fucking sexy.” 

I didn’t know the veil was there until it ripped. 

When I went home that night I couldn’t sleep, and I realized that anyone, at any time, could reach out and touch me, and it didn’t matter if I wanted it or not.

In the years since, the veil never returned. Instead it became a shield, with a new layer of protection growing onto it whenever a line is crossed, violence committed.  

Every fall, as night comes sooner and the air gets crisper, I think about vampires. 

I remember all the times I’ve felt powerless in my own body or known at a visceral level I was being manipulated but was unable to stop it. It takes everything in me to not be angry all the time.

I’ve never believed in ghosts. I don’t need to imagine malignant spirits seeking me harm when real life is scary enough. But vampires are real. No, they don’t suck your blood or sleep in a coffin. They look just like anybody else. They seek to drain, drain, and drain again, all for their own gain. Whether that is taking advantage of a person’s body or manipulating their thoughts or emotions to serve their own needs.

But the bat symbols in my dreams – I think they mean something else. They don’t create a sense of dread or anxiety in me, but rather a neutral state of calm. 

I can’t say whether dreams have meanings, but I research them nonetheless.

“Bats are often associated with transformation due to their nocturnal nature and ability to navigate through darkness. In a dream, a bat might symbolise a significant change or transformation happening in your life. This could be a personal evolution, a new beginning, or the end of a chapter in your life.”

I hope they’re right.

Happy Halloween.

More soon. Take care.

LD